2015 Reflection + Life Updates

There is 9 days left until 2016 arrives. Over the past few days I have been reflecting about my year, what I would like to change, more so to what has changed. A part of me has also been reflecting about the people I started 2015 with to who I am now ending it with. This year was definitely full of surprises,let downs but also some incredible moments that I would love to share with you. 

This year I decided to go back to study after taking a years break trying to figure out what and where I wanted to go with my life. I have a serious love and passion for music so I decided to take it further by studying "Music Business". The most annoying thing about this course was that whenever I told someone I was studying music business, they automatically assumed I was a musician, or could sing, or was talented in some way shape or form. I felt a bit like a broken record when I had to constantly explain and repeat myself over and over. 

This course had me feeling all sorts of ways and definitely played a bit part mentally and emotionally. I went into this course determined to stay focused and concentrated and not give up or have negative thoughts. 

I was forced into situations and things I didn't want to do, nor was no longer interested in. It took a lot of strength to even just pass and complete my diploma. Despite my struggles and efforts to stay in the course, I learnt a lot. Even though I do consider myself to be quite formal and a business woman, the music industry definitely isn't for me. The industry isn't as glamorous or has perfect as it seems, which actually threw me off a little bit. 

Apart of me thinks that doing this diploma was a complete waste of time, but thinking about it now, maybe it was good for me? I learnt so many things about the industry I didn't know about, and its actually helped me and given me the skills and knowledge to be able to go into my new course with.

Specialist Make-Up Services. Becoming a makeup artist has been something I have been thinking about for over a year now. I am so glad to finally be doing something I am so truly passionate about. I have made some incredible friends and now I get to go to America in 2016 to chase my dreams at becoming a travelling makeup artist. I still want to incorporate my love of music with my makeup career. Becoming a makeup artist for musicians and music videos is my dream and goal, and I want to take you guys along with me and share with you my journey at chasing my dreams with this blog. 

I never really post many life related things on this blog nor do I share with you guys my personal life on here, but I would love to incorporate some more of it. I love this blog, and this was something new to me in 2015. This blog has given me the opportunity to share with you guys things I love beauty wise and also share with you some music. My goal for the new year and this upcoming year is to do a blog post a week, and share more life and music related things with you. A part of me also wants to start doing YouTube videos as well. However I love the privacy and intimacy and information a blog post can really contain. 

One of the biggest things to happen to me over this year though has to be the fact I lost someone who I thought was my sister, my best friend, the person I love the most. I parted way with my best friend of 19 years. What happened? Good question. If only I knew as well, it bugs me to this day that I just don't know what happened, or where our friendship went wrong. We never fought. If we did, it was big, but we always came back to each other, but this time we just didn't. I think life just got in the way. We had two completely different dreams and expectations and lives. Aside from the fact we had been practically sisters since birth, we were still different but knew each other better than anyone else could of. Turns out I didn't really know her I guess. 

Our mums are best friends, which makes the separation more difficult. Apart of me wonders if she ever thinks about me and wonders how I am, or what I am doing. Apart of me wonders if she even still cares about me and if she ever thinks about messaging me asking me where we went wrong or what happened, because I sure do. 

Messaging her thinks it would be so coward of me. In saying that, it makes me feel like it was all my fault and that I did nothing wrong. The truth is, I didn't do anything wrong. Neither of us did which makes the friendship ending even harder. 

There was so many things that had happened that I just wish I could of messaged her and told her about but couldn't. I had lost a part of me that I had for my whole life. There will always be a whole from our friendship, but one thing I do know is, I am still blessed with such amazing memories and good times, that definitely did not go to waste and were good when it lasted. I still remain hopeful that maybe one day our friendship will rekindle and connect, but until now, I think its good we are making this time to find ourselves as women and creating lives for ourselves. I just hope she knows I want nothing but the best for her, and I hope she finds happiness within herself and makes the most of it. I miss her. 

Despite the downs that have happened, its made me reflect as a person. Maybe I am too concentrated on fighting for people and those friendships rather than focusing on myself. I was too busy making sure I kept a hold of those people and their friendships when they really didn't make the same effort back. Its time I changed that, which is what my goal is for the new year. I need to stop fighting for people who don't give a crap about me, nor value our friendship. I care too much for other people and make sure they are ok before taking care of myself. I let myself go a little bit, its time I changed that. I don't want to become a person who cares only about herself than anyone else around me, but I would like to spend the year concentrating on myself, my career and my health. 

Boys. Aren't boys lovely? Not. Even though I managed to stay this whole year single, which it wasn't really a goal for me to do but was good to take that step back emotionally. I still somewhat felt alone. I am the kind of person who does tend to get along better with guys than girls, I have one best friend who is a guy and I love him to absolute pieces, and I just have other friends along the way. One thing I learnt this year is boys aren't everything in life. You don't need a man to feel secure or happy. I managed just fine. Being single gives me that extra time to find myself as women and create a foundation for myself and just have that little room there for someone to maybe walk into my life. 

Apart of me is too focused on finding the perfect guy and shutting everyone out, rather than letting knew people in. I am afraid of getting hurt and I am afraid of giving a guy my everything and my conditional attention and "love" to in fear that I will just be rejected or "dumped" or used like I have in the past. I don't want to let myself fall into that kind of situation again so I am glad I took a step back. 

Happiness is my goal for the new year. I have yet to find happiness within myself. This new course and new beginning and chapter in my life with new people, cutting out the toxic friendships and situations and only giving myself clean air I feel like is my key. I am loving my new course and cannot wait to start my business. I can't wait to maybe one day move out, be independent, and stand up for myself more. I haven't felt happy in a long long time. I honestly wouldn't know what happiness feels like. However when I do find happiness and I do feel that sort of way, you will know about it. 

I just want to thank everyone who has read my blog over this year, whether you have just read this post, or every one of my others, I love everyone who reads my blog and I hope you have found it useful in some way, or even found happiness within it. My goal for the new year like I said is a blog post a week. I have been neglecting it for a month now, and I am so sorry for that, life got the better of me, but I wont be creating excuses this time. This is what makes me feel better, its my escape and I just want to share with you guys everything I love, am thinking and my experiences. 

I love you all so much, and hope you have a good Christmas and new years!! 

Loads of love...

Emily x